tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2899086331107445618.post1969976409749052746..comments2024-01-08T04:32:29.278-05:00Comments on Sarah Siegel Stories: A Colleague's Questions and My AnswersSarah Siegelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16450372333989477835noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2899086331107445618.post-34887840796707687872008-05-22T10:01:00.000-04:002008-05-22T10:01:00.000-04:00Think about the things about you that produce any...Think about the things about you that produce any shame, now, or which have historically. Don't they tend to be among your differentiators? Don't they tend to be some of the more interesting facets of you?<BR/><BR/>The context for his comment was that I ran into a childhood friend at a <I>bris</I> (circumcision ceremony) of the son of another childhood friend. I had stopped being friends with her because she was so beautiful and I had become embarrassed by my feelings for her -- this was not entirely conscious at the time, as we were eight. Well, she had grown up to be even more stunning. I was now consciously embarrassed by my attraction to her. I called my friend Richard after seeing her and told him all of this and he responded, "Sarah, it's the things we're most ashamed of that are most interesting about us." <BR/><BR/>Also, yes, it was a temp job over the summer at one of the corporations headquartered in Stamford -- while we were still in college. Michigan was considered a "key school," and so if a resume came in from Michigan, or from any of the other key schools, it went in the pile for further consideration.Sarah Siegelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16450372333989477835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2899086331107445618.post-67872731811846994002008-05-21T22:57:00.000-04:002008-05-21T22:57:00.000-04:00Actually, it was a half-tuition scholarship - whic...Actually, it was a half-tuition scholarship - which, from in-state tuition, really was an incredible bargain. And which it turns out, if you're going to go to music school, is a darn good thing. As we say, there are hundreds of dollars to be made in this business. ;)<BR/><BR/>It's funny, i didn't think of Michigan as that elite a place at the time, i guess because it was so local (and i knew too many people from high school that i was not impressed with who were going there) - i had this idea i should really go to a small liberal arts college in the East somewhere. And i also had too much paralyzing anxiety (speaking of my mom) to actually complete an application. It was only after i won the Michigan Youth Band scholarship (which, in a very important moment of encouragement, my mother nudged me to audition for! i'm ever grateful for that one, and while i'm at it, she encouraged me to go to Naropa too) to the school of music that i actually finished my application to the university.<BR/><BR/>I remember in one of your early jobs in Chicago you were filtering resumes, right? and you told me that Michigan was in a high-status tier. That was kind of an eye-opener to me. I knew the school of music was good... ;)<BR/><BR/>That's interesting what your friend said about things we're ashamed of being what's interesting about us. I wonder what he meant exactly. I will think more about that.<BR/><BR/>I'm glad your mom could go out to lunch, and that you could take her. That is wild, about the server being so nurturing to you, and then having the same name as your dad.Marniferoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12632198010145865458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2899086331107445618.post-1093466973610082742008-05-21T19:01:00.000-04:002008-05-21T19:01:00.000-04:00Marniferous. It *was* projection, I know. Sad, too...Marniferous. It *was* projection, I know. Sad, too, that when my dad recommended my going to Michigan and writing for "The Michigan Daily," I saw his recommendation as a statement of his lack of faith in my being able to get accepted by an even more elite school. That might have been projection, too, I guess. <BR/><BR/>I had wanted to go to UPenn because the girl everyone most admired in my elementary and junior high school was going there. I felt ashamed at having been rejected by Penn.<BR/><BR/>Also, Michigan didn't give me a full scholarship to go to there, like it did for you, and I was not from Michigan, like you were, and so I couldn't claim that it was a bargain that my family couldn't resist. <BR/><BR/>It's really so easy to project my shame onto my dead parent, may his memory be blessed, but even more useful at this stage would be to let go of the shame altogether.<BR/><BR/>I've written about this here before: My friend Richard says that it's the things about which we're ashamed that are the most interesting about us.<BR/><BR/>As you remember your mom on her first <I>yahrzeit</I>, I wish you zero projection and as little ego as possible, and that you can feel her spirit increasingly.<BR/><BR/>In fact, perhaps we've already talked about this, but I do feel my dad's spirit when I look for signs. Simple stuff sometimes, like yesterday, I took my mom out for lunch at a wonderful restaurant we discovered, where our server put on the fireplace for us and seated us by it, as it was chilly yesterday, and then also fed us well and healthily. When the check came, it read, "Your server's name is Herman." My dad's name was Herman.Sarah Siegelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16450372333989477835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2899086331107445618.post-196285425272971832008-05-21T13:03:00.000-04:002008-05-21T13:03:00.000-04:00Rarly, thank you for sharing all this! I remember ...Rarly, thank you for sharing all this! <BR/><BR/>I remember reading your story "Full Moon at Noon" - and i would not have thrown it out, but neither can i put my hands on it - it's got to be in one of a gajillion boxes of old papers in the basement at Faircourt. If i ever go through the right box and come across it i will send it to you.<BR/><BR/>I was really struck by your dream about your father, and your interpretation. <BR/><BR/>One rule of thumb in dream interp is that dream figures are really parts of ourselves, represented by the images of others. And yet i think on some level, at some times, we do tap into our underlying connectedness with others, through dreams as well as intuition, etc.<BR/><BR/>But even then, meaning is so, so subject to our interpretation. We all know how easy it is to project a mood or an insecurity onto a totally unrelated occurence (i.e. someone doesn't respond to our greeting, we assume they are angry at us or dislike us, but it turns out they were distracted or something like that and are fine with us...)<BR/><BR/>So i feel curious about why you would think your dad not being able to stay with you in your dream had to do with homophobia or disapproval. Were those things he had expressed to you when he was alive? Even if that answer is yes, it strikes me as likely involving some projection. <BR/><BR/>This is just my own belief system, now, but it seems to me that things like homophobia and disapproval are manifestations of ego rather than spirit - and ego goes with the body. (easy to believe in the abstract, as here i am around the anniversary of my mom's death, still trying to actually feel her spirit as released from some of her intense solidifications...) <BR/><BR/>I also have the idea that spirits can't stay with us because _they're spirits_, who aren't here anymore - not because we failed to please them in some way. <BR/><BR/>So maybe instead of trying to convince yourself of the truth of one alternative interpretation which doesn't sound like it quite resonates for you, why not open the question back up for exploration? Does it really make sense that you dad would feel that way? Even if you think he might have during his lifetime, what about now? And if he had lived to see you that weekend, wouldn't he, by then, have gone through a long process of letting his love for you win out over his cultural conditioning? <BR/><BR/>So then - really, why did you figure it meant what figured it meant? (a question for contemplation, not answer per se).<BR/><BR/>Love,<BR/><BR/>MarnMarniferoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12632198010145865458noreply@blogger.com