Getting Married This Summer

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

Why Doesn't It Feel Paradisal?

Note: This blog-entry is being published with Pat's readily-granted approval...which is another of the many reasons I want to marry her.

I have a therapist and I have friends, and yet my blog also comforts me by being a tireless host for my reflections.

This blog has about eight followers a day, so there is only a small chance of most people I know (or don't know), seeing this news. Perhaps, I'm being weird about it and yet not as weird as some; otherwise, the term elopement wouldn't exist. I'm being weird, so far, because I've announced Pat's & my news only to my mom and siblings; Pat's mother and sibling -- both of our fathers died years ago; four friends; our rabbi; and my manager, with whom I wanted to negotiate the honeymoon-week for next year, after my Master's is done. Why haven't I told my all of my friends, or teammates at work?

Perhaps that's not the weirdest part. Perhaps it's weirder that Pat & I just want our family with us. Well, again, that's where elopement comes in, i.e., so far, we haven't done *that*, so I suppose we could be even weirder.

Questions that Prevent Me from Feeling Pure Euphoria

• Why didn't this happen for me in my twenties?
  
• Why couldn't I have been attracted to a man and marry a man?
  
• Why fix something that's not broken; after all, we've been together for nearly 19 years?
  
• What should we wear?
  
• Why are some of my family trying to make me feel guilty about who I want to include?
  
• Will we have any pictures or will we be too shy?
  
• Will I be uplifted by the experience itself [because so far, there have been some less-than-delightful administrative moments]?
  
• Will our mothers be able to be visibly happy for us? (Both were lovely in their response to our news, but what will their faces look like in the moment, or is that just my own, internalized homophobia that might wear a scowl?)
  
• How will I feel, standing there -- peaceful finally or still a range of emotions?
  
• What would it be like if we could get each other big rocks for our fingers and if money were no object?
  
• Why do I feel so vulnerable and raw, so out of control whenever I tell the few people I've told so far?
  
• Why do I care what anyone thinks of me?
  
• Will I feel less bitter about same-gender marriage still being outlawed federally if Pat & I marry legally, where it *is* possible?
  
• What's the heterosexual version of this sort of suffering around getting married?
  
• Not to flatter myself, but if anyone of my Facebook friends stumbles on this entry, is it fair to ask them not to post publicly on my wall with their reaction, but rather to send me a private message?
  
• Why, in contrast to my wish re: Facebook above, do I hope that someone/anyone adds a public comment to my blog-entry here?
  
• Why do I wish we could marry now, rather than waiting another minute?
  
• What if the blurb we submit doesn't get included in "The New York Times?"
  
• Why don't Pat & I plan to do anything beyond:
  
  1. Being married by our rabbi in a Connecticut city hall
     
  2. Having lunch afterward with our family and the rabbi
     
  3. Going to synagogue that night with our mothers, siblings and their families and sponsoring the simple kiddush (reception)
     
• Do I wish I could just wake up married?