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Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Buoyant Blues

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

Escaping, Through Music, But Not Really 

Starting at 1:40, which is probably where it always began when DJs played it on WBLS-FM, the song almost makes me forget my grief. Almost:



It's a great time when songs like this are playing on the radio -- my dad's employed again and I'm learning Disco and Ballroom dancing from David Jones in my hometown, Stamford, Connecticut, so that I feel like I belong at the 11 Bar Mitzvahs and six Bat Mitzvahs I attend between 1977 and '78.

This song comes a year later, but it's the sort we Hustled to at all of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah receptions, and I miss it today. Who knew then that five years later, my dad (z"l) would be dead of common bile-duct cancer?

This next song...



...also gets good about 30 seconds in and almost makes me pound away the blues of my pastoral session from earlier today. A Rabbinical Intern at our shul, wants to know what God would say to me after I ask, "When can I just fall apart?"

"Never," God says, I tell her. He says, "Keep going. It won't serve you to fall apart."

At ~1:20 in, God might as well say:



Or He could be as Kind as a number of the Psalms and pledge:



The Rabbinical Intern tells me, "Let's look at Psalm Chaf Zayin. Keep reading."

I read aloud, "For my father and my mother [in that order] have left me; but the Lord will take me up."

"Do you believe that you can let God into your life to help you?" The Rabbinical Intern asks me and I'm almost embarrassed at her revival-style inquiry.

"I *can*, yes, but will I?" I say, barely aloud.

Last night on Twitter, a former Modern Orthodox Jewish day schoolmate and I had an exchange of tweets around an article that compared and contrasted coming out as Atheist to coming out as lesbian, gay, bi or trans. He's an Atheist and one of only three friends of mine who identifies as Atheist...that I know of. He's definitely not:



Didn't God give me this great music for dancing, escaping, wanting to live, for hope and joy, even in the midst of my sadness and fury?



Can't I shut my eyes right now, even as I'm typing and be transported through the furniture from *The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe*? Dancing the whole way! God, for a moment, I've become even younger than Bat Mitzvah age.

Now, back to the present, where I feel very alone. Indeed, Pat is not home right now, but even with Phoebe, the kitty, here in her plush bucket-bed next to me on the floor, I'm just by myself, except for my Disco and Funk friends:



What if I could time-travel and heed the eventual call of this video to go to Barbados for a weekend in 2010, for three days and nights of "Pure Rare Grooves"? There's no such thing as a geographic cure, they say, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to escape my mourning. I am parentless. I am childless. Who will mourn for me? Ok, that was melodramatic.

Ever since I went to a '70's dance party at my friends' Stephanie and Laura, I'm craving dancing in public, and there seem to be fewer opportunities for public dancing than when I was younger. "Don't stop me and I won't stop you," as this song commands:



"Are you angry at God?" asks the Rabbinical Intern.

Later, I think of an answer: Not when I'm dancing, or rollerblading:



Or "Funkin' for Jamaica" and getting to see the beautiful, female singer for the first time by watching the video, which I usually don't like to do; what they produce is always less appealing to me than what I see in my head. Not this time, though. And the mens' spirit is uplifting. They love making the music maybe more than any musicians I've ever seen.



The Psalm book I was reading from today had been a gift to my mom (z"l) from me. I inscribed it 15 years ago, in 5760 of the Hebrew calendar:

5760
Dear Mom,
May these Psalms comfort you whenever and wherever you need comforting.
Love,
Sarah

When the Rabbinical Intern and I were talking earlier, why didn't I notice that my mom (z"l) had underlined part of the last sentence of the very Psalm that the Intern asked me to read aloud, "...be strong, and let thy heart be of good courage...."

Sunday, August 18, 2013

New Year Reflections

Prompted by Questions from Our Rabbi

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

In a Shanah tovah / Happy Jewish New Year greeting to congregants, Rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum asked:

Think back on the year since last Rosh Hashanah...Where have you been this year?

    • Geographically
    • Emotionally
    • Relationship-wise
    • Work-wise
    • Friendships
    • Family
  • Who have you lost this year?
  • Who have you become?
  • What makes you proud?
  • What makes you ready to face some changes?
  • How have you spent your time? Your money? Your love?
  • What would a chart of your year look like with highs and lows?
  • Where do you want to be next year at this time?
  • What relationships can be given a little help right now?
  • What phone calls are you putting off?
  • What cemetery visits haven't you done that you've wanted to do?
  • What conversations have you avoided?

Just seeing these questions reminded me of how I miss this blog. At its best, it lets me make sense of my experiences and re-live them through writing about them. And yet, I've gone from blogging an average of ~three times a week, 2007-2009, to a bit more than twice a month on average. And where I was tweeting, on average, at least once daily, as well as posting to Facebook daily, since mid-yearish, it feels like I'm tweeting three times a week and not posting on Facebook daily.

How do my reflections breathe air when I'm posting them less frequently? Am I talking more with people face to face, using photographs to express myself now more so, or am I reflecting less often? Maybe it's all of these.

The rabbi's questions tempt me to pray about my hopes in response to a number of them and I'll yield to that temptation here:

God, please help me to be visibly adaptable, appreciative, attentive, compassionate, fair, giving, grateful, useful, wise, idea-filled, receptive to others' ideas, resilient, healthy, hopeful and humorous. Amen.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

"Don't Stop Believin'"

The postings on this site are my own and don't necessarily represent IBM's positions, strategies or opinions.

Unbound from Self-bondage

Occasionally and usually playfully, I acknowledge my self-absorption, and am pretty certain I've done so right here in this blog. Early this morning, though, it didn't feel funny.

Blame it on too little sleep; no swimming; working by myself at home too many days in a row; missing the cats after getting into a nice rhythm of having them around me all day while I worked; recent reminders of personal disappointments, e.g., not having succeeded in conceiving a child -- unwittingly, a colleague invited me to sit at the IBM table at the upcoming "Working Mothers" magazine gala...whatever the reason, I was in a dreadful mood as I drove to work this morning. Dreadful.

Driving over the Tappan Zee Bridge, the sun was just beginning to rise and I saw some pinkness on the horizon and even as I registered its beauty, it made me sadder. I was actually moved to pray to God aloud by myself in my car. And it would be neat if I could tell you I heard a disco-fied version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" after praying, but I'm not sure that's true.

As I heard the song, I recalled how much an adorable colleague from BlueQ (IBM's Canadian GLBT employee networking group) relished the song -- how she lit up when she heard it during the reception of a conference we were both attending in Austin last fall. Thinking of the colleague and her sweetness distracted me momentarily, but only momentarily.

Only one other piece of the morning cheered me briefly; as I put on my necklace while getting ready, I thought of my friend Radhika, who had given it to me when Pat and I lived in India in 2007. And then I was sad again, as I missed her.

The day would have to be just something to get through.

And then this afternoon, I spoke with colleague and friend. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the birthday of the baby-boy she lost shortly after child-birth. I was staring into the fall foliage, disturbed by the unkindness of nature as I listened to her confide in me.

"The better part of me feels like I should just shut up and listen," I said, "But I want to tell you that the closest I can come to empathizing is by thinking of how I felt, realizing that I couldn't have a baby -- well, I suppose I still might have been able to have one if I had gone to extraordinary measures, but after nine IUI's...well, still it's a lack, more than a loss....Well, it's a loss, but of what I never had, whereas your son was already a person with a personality. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

I told her I loved her when we hung up and I do. And I wish that people's love and high, high regard for my friend could heal her magically, but what would healing mean in this case? Surely, it should not mean a dulling of her memory.

Connecting, Not Isolating

While listening, of course, I also realized how small my bad mood was in the giant shadow of her justified grief. It did not make me feel better to hear of another's misfortune so much as it restored me to my most loving self, being able, mostly, to listen. I've written here before about my favorite saying from Ethics of the Fathers: "Al tifrosh meen ha'tsibor."/"Don't isolate yourself from the community."

Probably, it's my favorite because it's a challenge for me at times not to do so. I'm an extrovert, but also sometimes, I think my extroversion is just an aggressive shyness, which I've written about here before, too.

In talking with that friend -- who would be justified in wanting to isolate from the community -- I was inspired that she was not doing so; I did not need to be cocooned in my own crummy mood....I don't think any of this part was conscious at the time.

Talking with my friend and then also being scheduled to join two different virtual community meetings today for work, my self-bondage was further freed. In both meetings, I asked questions that made me feel so much more connected to this world, and potentially, might have even been helpful to the other participants.

Why Self-destruction Doesn't Pay

My sadness and self-destructive impulse, if I think about it, began last night -- not long after receiving that gala invitation -- and I recall now that I tweeted, "Enjoying an escapist mood." Fortunately, the escape was through TV, rather than an even more tranquilizing substance...and fortunately, that's as self-abusive as I ever get -- using TV to distract me from my own life when I'm feeling scared or sad.

Now, of course, I'm feeling defensive, and like I need to qualify that not all of my TV-watching is so that I can become tranquilized (though probably, it's true more often than I'd prefer to admit).

I digress. My point was going to be about the value of resisting self-destructive impulses. I'm so glad that I felt present and useful at work. By the time I left the office, I was able to notice and be grateful for the foliage, the unseasonably warm evening and that it was still light out. Almost never do I get to leave during classic drive-time.

The down-side of leaving at prime-time is the traffic, but the huge upside is the special mixes of music that one of my favorite radio stations, 107.5 WBLS, plays at that time. My mood lifted high up during a series of favorites, including:

TLC's Creep and then Alicia Key's "Teenage Love Afair."

The part about staving off self-destruction hit home as I was driving back over the Tappan Zee Bridge and this time, the sun was setting, and this time, I was able to love the purple-orange, stacked-striated clouds. They reminded me of our kitties' fur or Halloween-hued whipped cream, and I enjoyed imagining raking my hands through them.

Upon reflection, another song broke my sad mood this morning for a few minutes: "I Need Your Lovin'" by Teena Marie. And when I got to work, a colleague had posted the following status in his Sametime instant message updater:

"Chieli Minucci...you haunt my dreams..... I love you and your light-jazz stylings welcoming me to another new day while I am waiting for a 6am conference call to begin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HNbq2s_2Os." That made me smile, so I guess God was listening to my car-prayers.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Chag Samayach!

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

Touring the "Oldest Synagogue in the British Commonwealth"

Yesterday felt like the closest Pat and I have ever been and will ever come again to being on a pilgrimage. We awoke at 3:30 am, got to the Bangalore Airport by 5 am and to Kochi by 7:30 am.

The total ground and water transportation took longer than the flight, which was just a bit over an hour. We rode in an ancient Mercedes Ambassador car with no seat-belts for the 45-minute trip to the tip of the island, where we were staying, across from Mattancherry/Fort Cochin.

It's much hotter in Kerala, by the Arabian Sea, than in Bangalore, we soon understood. My sunglasses weren't quite strong enough and the walk from the hotel to the jetty primed us for our inevitable sunstroke later.

Sunblock #45 did not prevent the sun from beating on our heads, but all we had were India cricket team hats with us, and we did not want to appear disrespectful when we visited the synagogue. My mom doesn't have a computer, fortunately, and so my sisters can skip reading her this part; she'd be unhappy that we didn't protect ourselves better....Bev [Pat's mother], if you're reading this, please don't worry. Both of us took two extra-strength aspirin upon our return to the hotel, went for a swim and felt fully refreshed.

A Pair of Perspiring Pilgrims

We got off at the bottom of the island and walked nearly its length, which took about 30 minutes -- past innumerable handicraft storefronts and spice-stalls, goat-gangs and perfumers. So many smells and unrelenting heat. Since my prior time in India, in 2005, I've said that I've smelled the world's best and worst smells in India -- mostly the best. My nose is never bored here.

When we got closer to the synagogue, the number of antique and handicraft shops multiplied and men kept calling to us, "Come into my store. Just see for a minute....Good afternoon! How are you? I've been waiting for you! Come see. Only a minute!"

I found myself looking at the ground more than I wanted to, as I wanted to avoid eye contact with any of them. We just kept repeating, "No thank you," and walking past. None were happy with our disinterest.

Once, looking up for just a minute, I saw a pretty woman in the doorway of a store and her expression invited me to come in. She said nothing bold, like the men, and I was as close to looking in her shop as I came during the entire barrage, but we just kept forging ahead. I had to remember that just because her appeal to me was more appealing than theirs, it was no more sincere necessarily; it was a safe bet that her friendliness -- and theirs -- was based, above all, on encouraging commerce.

How do religious pilgrims feel when they're approaching their holy site? Do shopkeepers bother people when they walk the Stations of the Cross in Jerusalem? If I remember correctly, they don't. My cousin Nitzah (Blossom) took me on a walk on that path when I lived there, and I recall that there were many stalls with rugs and leather belts and bags and clay drums and candy, but I do not recall having felt harassed to buy anything.

We reached the doorway by 11:30: "Nah l'hagiyah b'libush tznuah," read a sign in Hebrew, which was translated: "Please dress modestly," and then it defined "modestly," saying that anyone in "short trousers" or short skirts, or who was "sleeveless" would not be permitted to enter the synagogue.

Pat and I were wearing long pants and long-sleeved blouses by design, and still were forbidden to enter the synagogue. Next to the modest-dress sign hung another that read, "Synagogue closed today for the Jewish holiday."

I heard voices upstairs in the synagogue and called upward, "It's not yet Rosh Hashanah! The Jewish holiday doesn't begin till sundown. We flew all the way from Bangalore. Please let us in, just for a quick look!"

"We are cleaning. The synagogue is closed," they called down.

We knew it was a hazard to come on the morning of Rosh Hashanah Eve, but took a chance -- a nutty one, it turned out. We stood on the street outside the non-descript, white building, which Pat noted, oddly included a bell-tower, and felt ashamed at our inability to witness the only synagogue in South India, at our bad luck at being unable to have any Jewish connection on the morning prior to one of our holiest days of the year.

A clean-cut guy appeared and listened to our disappointment for a bit. He told us that he was Catholic and that he was sorry we were unable to go into the synagogue.

Pat looked at me with an expression of hope and an idea born of desperation and said, "Sarah, hold up 500 rupees and tell them, 'The first one to open the door gets 500 rupees.'"

I did, assuring them, "We just want to come in for two minutes," and there was rustling...and then silence. The Catholic man yelled up something in Hindi and a moment later, the door opened.

Finally, An Open Door

A Hindu man showed us around and we saw that indeed, they really were cleaning. It was the oddest sanctuary I'd ever seen: glass chandeliers of random shapes and sizes, and some with colored glass, hanging just over our heads, all over the room, which our guide said all came from Belgium; blue and white porcelain tiles, which he told us each were unique and imported from China -- they had scenes on them, but I was too unnerved to notice specifics; the ark had an inscription over it that read in Hebrew: "Keter Torah," (Torah crown); to the left of the ark, painted in blue, on white, in Hebrew was the central prayer of Judaism, the "Shema..." (Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is One").

As we stared at the wooden ark -- built into the wall, which was not strange, but more typical, he said, "This synagogue was built in 1568," and, "This is the oldest synagogue in the British Commonwealth." And then, since he was not Jewish and so un-observant of Jewish rituals, he swung open the doors of the ark, which is not done typically, unless and until it is time to remove a Torah in order to chant from it.

Five Torah scrolls, each encased in a big, round, silver cylinder, which my mother tells me is the Sephardic style of Torah cover, appeared inside the ark. Again, since he was not Jewish, he opened one of them and said, "Touch it if you like. You can kiss it."

It's true that there's a procession, where people carry a Torah(s/ot) around the synagogue during the Torah-reading service, at which point congregants are free to kiss the Torah, either by touching a fringe of their prayer shawl to it, or by touching a corner of their prayer-book to it, and then kissing the fringe or book. It's never OK to touch it with our bare hands...and yet, when he invited me to do so, I put the first two fingers of my right hand against the parchment, near the Hebrew text and kissed my fingers afterwards.

"Pat, do you want to? Go ahead," I suggested.

"No, let me just touch your fingers," she said, not wishing to compound the transgression, and she did, and then kissed her own fingers. Afterwards, she told me she was highly surprised that I went ahead and touched it. "He didn't know better, but you...."

"I couldn't resist." And then we talked about how if it had been during a genuine service, Pat and I likely would never have gotten to walk on the main floor of the sanctuary, since during services, women must sit upstairs, apart from the men.

Just as we were about to leave, one of the cleaners came down from upstairs, holding two giant, jewel-bedecked, bright, bright gold Torah crowns that he had just polished apparently. The guide said, "They were a gift of the Maharajah...."

The synagogue we belong to, as well as the one where I grew up had Torah crowns, too, but they were pale, sterling silver -- nothing as grand as what we witnessed in the Kochi synagogue.

Just then, as we were remarking on the amazing preciousness of the crowns, the Hindu man said, "Chag samayach" / "Happy holiday," and Pat and I nearly cried with gratitude. We loved that he knew the expression that Jews use with each other on every holiday, and that we got to hear it and say it very near to ours.

The whole tour really did require not much more than two minutes, and Pat and I left there ecstatic. I was struck by how meaningful the two minutes in the synagogue felt to me compared with the 20 or more minutes we spent in the Ganesh and Bull temples last weekend.

I had no frame of reference for the Hindu houses of worship and a deep one for the synagogue. When we left, the guide said, "Shalom," (Hebrew for "Peace," and a greeting of either hello or goodbye). We loved him then.

When we exited the synagogue, I looked for the Catholic man who had helped us and didn't see him at first. Then he appeared and I wanted to give him some money for his help. "Oh, no, please. Instead, come see my shop," he said. It was huge and filled with large, unportable antiques, including Christian Madonna figures.

Pat asked, "Do you sell rosaries? A woman was very kind to my mother when she was in the hospital recently and when my mother wanted to give her a gift, the woman asked that her daughter bring her a rosary from India."

He didn't and advised us that next to churches, we could likely find small shops that would sell rosaries. I told him, "Thank you so much for helping us have a meaningful holiday."

At the post office, a wheat-toast-complexioned, white-haired man with a white, knitted kippah/skull-cap with red and blue Stars of David bordering it hurried past me to post a letter, and I felt emboldened by the synagogue visit and said, "Chag samayach."

"Chag samayach," he answered softly as he nearly ran past me.

Next to the synagogue was the Incy Bella bookshop, where I found a book on Jewish identity and India; a comparison of Hinduism and Judaism, which described how both are all about orthopraxy, rather than orthodoxy, which made sense to me; and two on the Jewish community of Kochi, of which I learned in the book there were just 20 members (as of 2005) -- one of our guidebooks had specified that only seven Jewish families remained in Jew Town, which is what the area is called.

How We Spent Erev Rosh Hashanah

Satisfied that we made the connection we hoped to make with South-Indian Jewish life, or mostly with South-Indian Jewish history at least, we took the ferry back to our hotel, where we ate a delicious lunch of our first Middle Eastern food in India; swam in the infinity pool; went on a sunset cruise around Fort Cochin; saw a demo of Kathakali dance; and ate grilled fish, Kerala style, outside by the sea, listening to Muslim prayers over loudspeakers that faced us from across the water, at the next island. The dance included an enactment of Baby Krishna, sucking the life out of an evil wet-nurse.

Typically, Pat and I would be at synagogue, singing the traditional "Avinu Malkeinu" in community, rather than watching a tale from the Mahabharata. In fact, that's likely what the rest of my family's doing right now, in their synagogues in Jamaica Estates, New York and Brooklyn.

Paradoxically, It's Not At All Paradoxical

Here's the paradox....I hope it doesn't seem paradoxical, actually, but rather understandable: I've never felt more Jewish, even as I've never been less observant ritually. I grew up, not being particularly encouraged to do cross-religious exploration and I've been doing more in India -- even with the little bit of temple visits and reading I've done -- than I've done since earning my World Religions badge in Girl Scouts at 12.

It's as though seeing others' religions only strengthens my affection for my own. What has impressed me is how people can be enthusiastic about religious traditions that I do not relate to at all, and I've become more directly appreciative that the world has any number of ways to get at similar truths.

God is everywhere, no matter how remote I am from the familiar; I see God's work and feel God's presence whenever I'm open to it. Right now, it's pretty late at night, after 11 pm (India time), and I can hear the rain beating outside, and the ceiling-fan whooshing over my head, and I'm alone in this room, and yet, I'm not at all.