Sunday, May 29, 2011

Last Night I Dreamt I Wore a Mini-skirt to Work...

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

...and Stood in Front of a Breezy, Full Classroom Sans Underpants

Perhaps it will take some time to decompress from work-mode, but this blog-entry's heading and sub-heading sum up the anxiety that comes with three good problems: my being on vacation; thinking about an upcoming trip, where I need to stand in front of a classroom and be effective, so that the participants can be effective; and day-dreaming about my upcoming marriage to Pat.

I left my ThinkPad at home while we're in Florida and so cannot look at work e-mail even if I wanted to do so; was thinking that I should have brought my modules with me to practice for the trip; and am puzzling over what to wear when Pat and I get married on in July. In reaction to my clothing dilemma, a new friend said the other day, "I think that as humans, we need to be feeling some struggle at all times, and another friend said more practically, "Sometimes, it's more about the color and the fabric...."

The dream, I guess, was trying to tell me to spend time, preparing for the class I'll facilitate, and that no matter what I choose to wear to get married to Pat, be sure the outfit includes underwear.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

What a Difference a Week Makes!

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

Allowing Contentment, and Even Excitement

"You haven't changed. You're a worrier," said a mentor emeritus; he retired in 2006. We were at a party to celebrate two other colleagues who retired this year and we were talking about my self-questioning nature -- to put it tactfully.

The declaration, "You're a worrier," was both upsetting and a relief. On the one hand, who wants to be recognized as anxious, rather than resolutely confident, and on the other hand, it was a healthy dismissal of the things I was saying as nothing more than free-floating anxiety, rather than as reality.

...which reminded me of how I had been thinking of Pat's and my upcoming marriage a week ago: tons of questions with a big helping of internalized homophobia. How different I feel just a week later. Here's why:

  1. Pat & I met with our rabbi to discuss how she'll officiate and it sounded beautiful, and she acknowledged, and did not dwell on my internalized homophobia, but rather spoke in practically, purely positive terms
  2. I told more people our news, all of whom were happy for us and encouraging
  3. Pat & I bought rings yesterday, which are beautiful and which we'll give each other during the rabbi's service; we also liked how the seller spoke of his company's early granting of domestic partner benefits
  4. I told another couple -- women who've been together for 23 years -- of our plan and they were persuaded to consider marrying in a country or state, where it's legal, too; like us, they did not realize how relatively simple it now was to transform themselves into a legally-married couple.
The rabbi wants to meet with us again and wants us to bring written answers to the following questions that we'll share with each other and her at the same time, at that meeting:
  1. Why marry?
  2. Why marry now?
  3. Why marry each other?
The request is so appealing to me, but so unappealing to Pat. In her typical irreverence, she said to me as we drove home from meeting with the rabbi, "Would you do my answers, too?"

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Getting Married This Summer

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

Why Doesn't It Feel Paradisal?

Note: This blog-entry is being published with Pat's readily-granted approval...which is another of the many reasons I want to marry her.

I have a therapist and I have friends, and yet my blog also comforts me by being a tireless host for my reflections.

This blog has about eight followers a day, so there is only a small chance of most people I know (or don't know), seeing this news. Perhaps, I'm being weird about it and yet not as weird as some; otherwise, the term elopement wouldn't exist. I'm being weird, so far, because I've announced Pat's & my news only to my mom and siblings; Pat's mother and sibling -- both of our fathers died years ago; four friends; our rabbi; and my manager, with whom I wanted to negotiate the honeymoon-week for next year, after my Master's is done. Why haven't I told my all of my friends, or teammates at work?

Perhaps that's not the weirdest part. Perhaps it's weirder that Pat & I just want our family with us. Well, again, that's where elopement comes in, i.e., so far, we haven't done *that*, so I suppose we could be even weirder.

Questions that Prevent Me from Feeling Pure Euphoria

  • Why didn't this happen for me in my twenties?
  • Why couldn't I have been attracted to a man and marry a man?
  • Why fix something that's not broken; after all, we've been together for nearly 19 years?
  • What should we wear?
  • Why are some of my family trying to make me feel guilty about who I want to include?
  • Will we have any pictures or will we be too shy?
  • Will I be uplifted by the experience itself [because so far, there have been some less-than-delightful administrative moments]?
  • Will our mothers be able to be visibly happy for us? (Both were lovely in their response to our news, but what will their faces look like in the moment, or is that just my own, internalized homophobia that might wear a scowl?)
  • How will I feel, standing there -- peaceful finally or still a range of emotions?
  • What would it be like if we could get each other big rocks for our fingers and if money were no object?
  • Why do I feel so vulnerable and raw, so out of control whenever I tell the few people I've told so far?
  • Why do I care what anyone thinks of me?
  • Will I feel less bitter about same-gender marriage still being outlawed federally if Pat & I marry legally, where it *is* possible?
  • What's the heterosexual version of this sort of suffering around getting married?
  • Not to flatter myself, but if anyone of my Facebook friends stumbles on this entry, is it fair to ask them not to post publicly on my wall with their reaction, but rather to send me a private message?
  • Why, in contrast to my wish re: Facebook above, do I hope that someone/anyone adds a public comment to my blog-entry here?
  • Why do I wish we could marry now, rather than waiting another minute?
  • What if the blurb we submit doesn't get included in "The New York Times?"
  • Why don't Pat & I plan to do anything beyond:
    1. Being married by our rabbi in a Connecticut city hall
    2. Having lunch afterward with our family and the rabbi
    3. Going to synagogue that night with our mothers, siblings and their families and sponsoring the simple kiddush (reception)
  • Do I wish I could just wake up married?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Memories of 9/11, 2010-2007 & 2001

The postings on this site are my own and don’t necessarily represent IBM’s positions, strategies or opinions.

News from 11ish pm (ET), 1 May 2011, Reminds Me...

There is no rejoicing, just remembrance:

I have 2002-2006 entries as well, but have to add them as multiple screenshots as time allows in the coming day(s). The entry from 2008 makes no mention of the 2001 events and I like that. Hope that September 11th can go back to its former non-significance from now on...but this September will be the 10-year anniversary, so we'll see.