- "Laura's Theme" from "Dr. Zhivago"
- "Strangers in the Night," made popular by Frank Sinatra
- "The Godfather theme"
These and other tunes from an Indian accordionist make dinner in the Raj Pavilion cheerful last night.
By breakfast this morning, pre-work, a couple of tables over from where we sat last night, I am looking out the window at bright-red life-preservers, decorating the far side of the pool. Tears are streaming down my Himalayan astringent-stimulated cheeks.
The croissant-woman does not continue to approach me. I can almost see out of the corner of my eye that I'm scaring her.
I'm not ready for work. I just want to go back to our room and watch "The 4400" with Pat. It's not a program I watch with her when we're at home, but it's amazing how even "Terminator 3" dubbed in Hindi can appeal to me here; they even managed to find a guy that spoke Hindi with an Austrian accent.
I've not yet finished writing my remarks for this morning's meeting, nor printed them, and I've not prepared the chart I need to share with a colleague prior to our afternoon meeting at another site.
"Madam, are you on holiday? You're later than usual," says the maitre d' as I'm trying to gather my yogurt from behind the glass-fronted fridge.
"No. Everything's fine, thanks," I say, my throat catching, and wanting him to disappear. A waiter appears to take my yogurt to the table and another hits the backs of my ankles with the chair as he's trying to help me sit down.
"No more assistance, please!" I want to shout, "Just leave me alone." Instead of shouting, tears come. They are just trying to be lovely to me and I cannot respond in kind.
I'm too bitter about not getting to stay home and watch TV. I'm exhausted, having slept fitfully, beginning at 1 am. I miss Pat's cooking, which doesn't happen while we're still living in the hotel. I miss my mother and sisters, my nephews and niece, my brothers-in-law. I am too tired to have exercised. I can't smile at anyone right now.
I don't think I understand any of this as I'm sobbing silently, my shoulders just barely shaking. I'm trying to enjoy the release of it, but know that I also have to keep slicing the fruit that I'll add to the yogurt, so that my routine proceeds. The tears stop when I spoon the yogurt into my mouth and I'm reluctant to eat. The crying was feeling good, other than wondering if I'm the first westerner they've ever seen cry in public. Oh, well, it's humanizing.
It turned into a good day from there....
6 comments:
Hi, It is kind of different to see you from the work perspective and see you here.... as another human being in a place far away from home... in the middle of people and colleagues who perhaps don't know what to make of your presence here. Suddenly I feel...God would I want to be there myself? Well you know what.. yeah I would... You have come a LONG way from home.. and this journey into the unknown is also the journey of 'loosing your legend'.. of discovering new boundaries that you can and will concur.... would i not want that for myself? OH yeah, i sure would.
Cheer up :-)
Hi Sarah, I'm sorry I couldn't be there to comfort you this morning. I find it ironically horrible that this post filled with sadness and vulnerability had to be the one with not one but two idiotic "spam" comments. I think this Blogger site should do a better job protecting people from that stuff. I feel like punching "knicksgrl0917" in the nose except of course she doesn't really exist, just an avatar of some scuzzy commercial spammers...
I love you Sarah. I wish I could have been there to give you a hug. I wish I could be there now. Really, I do. I'd also like to go swimming in that amazing pool and watch Bollywood videos with you.
Maybe you can get a day off this weekend. Shabbat is a good concept.
You know, I loved my year in Finland, but I also remember that there were times when it was astonishingly disorienting. A new, demanding job is challenging enough, but in a different country, I can only imagine.
For what it's worth, this morning when I was thinking of you, the phrase, "Seek to understand rather than to be understood" came to mind. I hope you don't take offense. This is not advice, just a loud, passing thought that came to mind as I thought of you. I didn't think it consciously, it just came to me.
I love you,
Kathy
Thanks, everyone, for your sweet responses. I read an item in "The India Times" this morning about a diva, who stayed at the Dorchester Hotel in London recently and required all sorts of special service, including that the staff not make eye contact with her, so that she could feel at home....She sounded spoiled on the one hand, and yet, I related to the wish to feel at home, rather than to feel at a hotel.
We'll be moving to our five-month home on August 1st, and so probably much of this will seem funny by then. It's Shabbat and I'm heading out from work now. Thanks for your kindness.
Hey, there -- I was so sorry to read about your weepy morning -- but actually not very surprised. Now that the adrenaline rush has worn off a bit, it makes sense that you are feeling the implications of settling in for the long haul ... including feeling *very* distant from family, friends, and the lovely familiar routines associated with being "home." I hope that you and Pat are close to settling on a home for your stay in Bangalore. Since home is where Pat is, settling into a non-transient environment is bound to make you feel more settled and at home - whether Pat is cooking or you have Indian helpers (I would!) - it will still feel more home-like.
I'm sorry that you are so homesick. Have a good weekend... filled with comforting activities and comforting time with Pat.
Namaste
Dorothy
Dorothy, thanks for the encouragement. My cell phone's working now, so that's a huge victory toward feeling more at home.
I have a recurring nightmare -- haven't had it for some time -- that the telephone lines have been cut; I think it's a fear of not being able to communicate. The nightmare has felt a bit more real here, until resolving the cell phone issue, so that's a morale-booster right there.
We're hoping to get together with our friend and colleague Chitra tomorrow, so that should provide some fun....
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