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Safety Against Unexpected Disappointment
When did my fetish for suffering begin? Up until recently, I wanted to rid myself of self-defeating competitiveness, which is perfectionism's conjoined twin and jealousy's breath...until I figured out the umbrella-/macro-problem: suffering...from an unhealthy sense of competition, from anxiety, from loneliness; all of these maladies have my suffering from them in common.
Loneliness? Yes. I've written here before that I'm a lonely soul -- probably, that's like calling oneself a klutz, i.e., a self-fulfilling prophecy, and yet I do feel lonely routinely, no matter how beloved I am by Pat and the rest of my family and friends. And my loneliness fuels my art.
Anxiety? I find it the most comfortable, most natural state. The moment I lose it, I fear something really terrible will happen.
Being overly-competitive/-comparative, and then envious? Routinely. For example, on Grove and Watchung in Montclair, coming in either direction, I like to be the first car in the line of however many of us are waiting for the light to change, sometimes by practically any means necessary.
Reading these descriptions of the associated challenges of my suffering, I see the payoff: I'm not necessarily suffering from them...except when it comes to envy....
How can I channel envy? What can I do about it in the present? How can envy be an agent for good instead of disappointment? By being absent. More prayers.