Stimulation Paradox

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Near, but Not in the Water

Waiting by the pool where we live for my manager to meet me, so that we could continue working on the design of our upcoming program, I watched kids on the slide in the adjacent playground. As four in a row slid down it joyfully, I returned to that age for a moment, where I was excited similarly, to slide down the slide and run back up the steps and slide down it again, and again and again.

And then a couple of boys ran by and did cannonballs into the pool and I recalled that phase, too.

Welcome to My Neighborhood

This afternoon, as I returned home from my meeting at the clubhouse, lots of people were out and all of them appeared to be busy with leisure activities. A young girl on the porch of her home was either practicing classical Indian dance or just some cool moves she'd seen on a music video. She danced to no audible music and stopped shyly when she saw me spot her and smile.

A small boy raced by on rollerblades and an older European or American woman rode past on a women's bicycle from, it seemed, the '50s, replete with a woven basket in front. Seeing the slow-paced cyclist, I was reminded of a friend and fellow assignee's chiding remark when he learned we were moving here: "Ah, so you succumbed to living in 'The Truman Show' community."

And then a blond man, pushing a double-wide stroller approached, featuring two bright-blond babies hardly older than each other and probably a four-year-old blond son trailing behind them in denim overalls and a red and white-striped shirt. The security guards at the clubhouse found him entertaining as he approached with earnest determination. They tried to play with him, but he just kept moving to keep up with the rest of his family.

And there was another young family, with a mother playfully chasing a tiny, golden-tan girl down the sidewalk toward me, with everyone laughing in Italian. And a mother of two boys, walking ahead of me, speaking what I guess was Norwegian, only because it didn't sound like Finnish or Dutch or Danish.

God. Contrast these descriptions with Pat's latest blog entry and it's sobering. I will keep coming back to privilege on this blog while we live in India, but for the moment, I will compartmentalize my sadness to share a happy experience:

The Joy of Design

Walking home from my meeting with my manager, for the first time, I felt joyous like the sliders and splashers. I was doing neither this afternoon, but still, I felt that I had gotten to play.

Carrying my ThinkPad and journal and some papers home, it seemed even more unusually hot and sunny than if I had been unencumbered, I think, and I felt like a bit of a nerd, but less so in a new pair of jeans that Pat and I found for me at Marks & Spencer yesterday.

Nerdiness aside, I was excited to be working on the project that caused me to sleep for 90 minutes on Thursday night -- I realized that I never qualified why I got so little sleep: We had to do some further program development based on a review by one of the execs. and it was due by the next afternoon, so that he could offer feedback prior to traveling to Punjab for a family wedding.

Advice I'd Like to Sear into My Psyche

Upon becoming coherent again on Saturday after a great night's sleep, I realized that I relished the work regardless of the recent sleep deprivation. What a happy discovery because what if I were knocking myself out, and then didn't even enjoy what I was doing?

Over the weekend, my dear friend and colleague here said to me that it was good to hear that I was having some fun in the assignment. Oy, I realized that until now, I hadn't really expressed many of the happy moments to her, nor had I had as many as I might have had, if I had been less anxious and more openly exploratory the whole time.

Who knows if I've learned my lesson. I don't believe this is the last time I'll be unnecessarily anxious. A friend who's in Alanon told me recently that she was quoting to me from the program's blue book, "Have I ever accomplished anything good while my emotions were churning with hysteria?...Take it easy." And then she said, "Sarah, you know that [Jewish] prayer, where we thank God for our orifices, and particularly for enabling us to go to the bathroom? Our body has systems to expel toxins, but how do we get rid of emotional toxins?"

It's interesting that no one has been able to persuade me of the folly of continuous work in this assignment prior to this conversation; she said, "Your over-work creates extra anxiety for you." Others had suggested that over-working leads to mistakes, and I know that's true, too, but all that did was make me feel ashamed on top of over-burdened.

Ultimately, the relief I give myself, other than time off (like yesterday fairly solidly), is reminding myself that I choose this paradoxical stimulation of working much of the time while I'm here. It's a crash-course in so many of the aspects of Leadership Development that I've been thinking about, but not yet practicing, and so it's a huge, endless opportunity.